I have expressed a few times why I sought out and found the bloggernacle. But ultimately I was not content to be a commenter only. And when I found out how easy it was to start a blog I had to pursue it. I had slightly different reasons to desire to be an author on a blog. In a small way, I think I felt like Alma felt when he wrote the famous verses:
O that I were and angle, and could have the wish of my heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people! Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth. (Alma 29:1-2)
You see, I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the church. I really believe this stuff. I believe it leads to peace and happiness in this life, and eternal life in the world to come. And I desire to have a voice in it!
Now, my voice may not be the voice of thunder. Perhaps a little more like an annoying chirp of a cricket. But what voice I have I want to share. My life prior to blogging, and at many times during, is a bit unsatisfying in this area.
It has been nearly three years since I spoke in Sacrament meeting. That may not seem like a big deal to some, but I am an extremely active member of a small ward. There are perhaps 20 active families in this ward. A simple rotation would result in a sacrament talk at least once a year even with figuring in testimony meetings. So I wonder what is going on. Our bishop is a wonderful man, but he does tend to fly by the seat of his pants – so to speak. I suppose he may not keep very good track of things like this. So I don’t feel I have much of a voice there lately. I have born my testimony more often, but I feel obligated to keep my testimonies short and basic. I don’t want to take advantage of open mike Sunday.
Our Gospel Doctrine teacher is another wonderful man. But I find myself making fewer and fewer comments in his class. He has a way of making the ‘material’ more important than the discussion – very frequently saying we need to move on. He also has a tendency to look for very specific answers and being dismissive of anything else. It has been weeks since I have made any comments in class. He is always a well prepared teacher, and I am sure many enjoy his lessons, but it is not a prime participation opportunity to me.
I serve currently as the Teachers Quorum advisor. Unfortunately I have had to many times where a well prepared lesson just doesn’t fly with the teenage boys. Because of this my preparation and teaching have become very basic. It seems my voice here is not outwardly appreciated much.
So now I have this blog, where I can publish whatever I want. It sometimes makes me feel like I have a voice. It appears that sometimes people like and value what I have to say. Other times it feels like my posts are just an annoying cricket chirping in the midst of a thunder storm.
Or worse yet ignored.
Is my desire to have a voice simply vain? Am I guilty of what Alma says in the next verse:
But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted me. (Alma 29:3)
I’m afraid that if I look to participating in the bloggernacle as a way of feeling like I have a meaningful voice, I am headed for frequent disappointment. Posts that appear to go ignored, and comments that seem to be dismissed, might lead to unsatisfying results. Should any of us desire to have a voice in the church/gospel? Is this a righteous desire or a sinful one?